Last week while out shopping with my four year old daughter Rosie, I realized why my wife prefers to go shopping without the kids. Walking the aisles of my local grocery, Rosie spotted a candy that she insisted on buying. I firmly told her no, since the candy in question was not kosher. She promptly returned it to the shelf and that was that.
Our next stop was a clothing store where Rosie fancied a dress that, in her words, she absolutely had to have. Once again, I refused claiming that she did not need it. As if I had not spoken, Rosie put the dress on over her clothing and continued shopping with me.
As we approached the checkout, experience warned me to brace myself for an oncoming battle of wills. I told Rosie to take off the dress because we were not purchasing it. She refused, of course. When I insisted she remove the garment immediately, Rosie threw a tantrum right on the floor, screaming and shouting how badly she wanted the dress. Eventually I couldn’t refuse her anymore and so I bought it for her.
Later that evening, I was reflecting on the two incidents, wondering why Rosie had accepted my decision on the non-kosher candy without question, while the dress saga had turned into a nightmare. How had Rosie known that I could eventually be swayed to buy the dress? Why didn’t she employ the same tactics to get the candy?
When the reason dawned on me, I smiled because I realized it all boiled down to a successful education. Even though Rosie is only four years old, she senses that no matter how much she may scream, I will never allow her to eat a non-kosher item. It is a red line that will never be crossed. But Rosie understood that she stood a chance at the dress - and she was right.
This week’s parsha of Ki Tetze discusses the laws of warfare. The opening verse begins with the words, “When you go to war on your enemy...”. “Your enemy”, the Chassidic Masters explain, refers to the evil inclination buried deep within the heart of man; the war is an ongoing one that we struggle with every day. Yet the Torah gives us hope for victory, concluding the verse with the promise, “and G-d will deliver him into your hand... and you will take captives...”
The key to triumph against the sly inclination is to set up barriers, to establish red lines that will never be crossed. Each of us knows what our personal red lines ought to be, let us erect them and never fall prey.
Will Winter, M.D. wrote...
This is an every day example of a power struggle, and getting what one wants. And your job as a parent is cut out for you. The more consistent you are, the less she will fight you and the more she will internalize you- the parent. She will parent herself when she is older. As you represent the Yetzer Tov, the stronger you are (the more consistent) the better it will be for her and, G-d willing, the better she will be in fighting the yetzer hara when she gets older.