Mazal Tov. My sister just got engaged to a young man from Pittsburgh. Let me tell you how it happened.
My sister Chanee, now 20, grew up in Johannesburg, South Africa. She went to a school called Torah Academy. In this school boys and girls are totally separated. This enabled her to focus on her education and studies. She had no distractions from guys, as is common with students of that age group. She received her High School diploma in 2005 at the age of 16. For the next couple of years she furthered her studies in various girls only seminaries.
When she decided that she was ready to get married and build a home, she started looking for the ‘right guy.’ She didn’t go to the local bar, order a beer, and hope that the first boy to pick her up would be her match. She asked her parents to find her somebody with specific criteria that she desired in a spouse. She didn’t want to date a guy, marry him and then find out that he wants to start a family only in 5 years from now. She was only planning to date someone who shared her passion, her vision, her goals and her enthusiasm for life.
She started dating. She didn’t date for fun. She didn’t date a guy who wanted to hang out with a girl. She wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. She was looking for a husband. She didn’t go watch a movie with a guy, she didn’t go clubbing with him and she didn’t go drinking with him. She had conversations with him. She spoke to him. She wanted to talk to him and discover who he was.
While she dated there was absolutely no physical contact with the boy. She wanted to be intellectually clear about the decision she was making and not be influenced by any lustful feelings she may have. She dated a few people in this fashion. They didn’t work out because the chemistry between them was lacking.
Finally Chanee started dating Avi Shlomo.
Avi grew up with a similar background. He shares the same vision as her. They went out for just under two months. This was enough time for her to determine that this was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She had great conversations with him. Intellectually it was clear that this was the right one for her. Her feelings for him grew over time. She felt that he understood her, they connected well.
A young girl once came to the Lubavitcher Rebbe. She told him that she had dated quite a few guys but had not fallen in love with any of them. The Rebbe told her that she had read too many romantic novels. True love is not what you see in the books and movies. That is lust not love.
Lust is all about what can I gain. Love is all about what can I give. Imagine a guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter he loves fish. The fish thinks that the customer will take him home and take care of its needs. Instead the waiter takes a live fish out of a bowl, kills it and then cooks it on the fire. He then prepares it to be eaten and finally slices it up for the person to eat.
The fish thinks to himself. This guy doesn’t love fish – he loves himself. This is lust. I am lonely, I need companionship, I need attention, I need to be loved. I need to satisfy my physical desires. I, I and I. Therefore I like this person. Love is loving your spouse and doing for them what they need and want. True love comes out of living with another person for years, caring for them until eventually one realizes that your spouse is an extension of you. You are one soul in two bodies.
Imagine you bought yourself a new Jaguar. You are driving and you crash into a pole. You smash your beloved car. Will you be upset? Of course! Will you be furious? Yes. Angry? Undoubtedly. But you will still love yourself and move on rationalizing and explaining your actions. Now imagine your wife does the same thing with your brand new car….When you react to your wife smashing your car the way you react when you did it, you will know that you are on the path of finding true love!
Sounds like a crazy way to date? Well this is the way I did it. This is the way my brothers and sisters did it. This is the way many of my friends did it. It’s the way my parents did it. They are all happily married thank G-d. Are there divorces in this kind of setting? Of course – its not full proof, but I will bet on this method and my children will G-d willing date in this fashion as well.
You think it may work for you?
Beryl Rosenberg wrote...
A S wrote...
on a side note, does this mean that shevy didn't react badly to the wrecked car? ;)
Josh wrote...
jay wrote...
Will Winter wrote...
Hadas wrote...
Marian wrote...
Mazal Tov the the new young couple and their families, near and far.
Your article demonstrates that we are always where we are supposed to be when we are "there", i.e., in the right place at the right time. Here, each one was where they were supposed to be.
Mazal Tov again.
Marian
Rich M wrote...
Michael wrote...
Mazal Tov to your wonderful sister and your family,I wish them the best life together as one. Very refreshing and insightful. It deviates from what I am used to in dating and relationships, but it seems like a great way to connect to your soulmate. I especially like the part about Lust vs Love, and will re-read it several times, so I can bring myself closer to understanding the concept.
Thank you very much, and happy holidays.
Love,
Michael
Schachar wrote...
Daniel Hassid wrote...
Your thoughts are true and wise. Physicality can easily cloud sound judgement. I give credit to your wife for keeping her eyes open.
Batya wrote...
What a way to meet your mate. Very logical, pragmatic and structured. It almost sounds like a business plan.
Where is the excitement, the butterflies in your stomach? Love without lust is missing a very important human element. The two should be interwined to create a perfect liason.
Hagar Levy wrote...
I would like to add that i do not think this works among the conservative/reform group. Unfortunately, men and women have lots of other requirements than our parents have had! wish it was that simple, and especially in NYC.