Before we started our weekly Shabbat services at the Marriot Hotel, I would pray in other shuls in the neighbourhood. Every Shabbat morning I’d traipse through the bustling streets of the Upper East Side, sticking out like a sore thumb in my tallit and Shabbat clothes. One week, while walking down Third Avenue, I noticed a store whose owner happened to be Jewish. I immediately approached him, extending my hand and wishing him a Shabbat Shalom. We exchanged a few words and from then on, every week without fail, I would pass the store and wish him a Shabbat Shalom. After several weeks, he became embarrassed that his business operated on Shabbat so he tried hiding in the back room. Unmoved, I simply followed him and wished him a Shabbat Shalom there.
Today, this Jew is one of my close friends and comes to our shul every single week. Recently he confided in me that my weekly greeting was what pushed him to suddenly start attending services. He explained that I never criticized him, never condemned him. Not once did I accuse him, “Why is your store open on Shabbat morning? Why are you not coming to shul?” I simply walked in there, accepted him for who he was and genuinely wished him a Shabbat Shalom. It was this non-judgemental attitude that inspired him to start attending every week. Thank G-d he still joins us every Shabbat morning…
The single greatest moment in all of history took place 3300 years ago at Matan Torah. The solid bond between the six hundred thousand Jews present was so acute that the Torah tells us that the nation stood “ke’ish echad belev echad” – “as one man with one heart.” The intense spiritual light of the event penetrated the heart of each man to such an extent that he totally dismissed any personal grievances or animosity that he held against his fellow. Each man was able to connect to his friend on a much deeper level, for all outer inhibitions had been stripped bare, leaving the inner self entirely exposed.
At the core of every Jew, we share an intrinsic connection with every one of our brothers and sisters. Ours is a single essence, a unified soul. Every difference, every discrepancy and every argument that separates us is rooted in our physical bodies. Focus on our material and mundane pursuits and you become your own lonely entity. But take that same energy and channel it inwards, acknowledging the soul within, and you become a part of a much greater whole, a thread in a most colourful tapestry. Each of our souls forms an additional link in the grand chain that unites us as one.
Just this morning I read a story about an illegal immigrant charged with arson and murder in a Brooklyn house blaze that killed five people. He purposely instigated a fire in his neighbors’ baby carriage to settle a score. He was angry with his them for leaving the stroller in the hallway of the Bensonhurst building. He had asked them several times to move it but since they had nowhere else to put it they just left it there. How tragic!
A friend of mine living here in the city hasn’t spoken to his sister in forty years. They had a fallout years ago and have not been able to make up since. I explained to him, “There is so much more that unites you with your sister than what divides you. The animosity and resentment you feel for each other pale when you focus on the inner essence that unites you.”
If a person behaves foolishly and then chastises himself saying, “I am such a fool”, he won’t be insulted even though he is aware he just did a very foolish thing. But if his friend were to rebuke him with the very same words he would be upset and possibly very hurt. The reason for this is simple: when one reprimands oneself, he knows that the rebuke arises from the greatest innate love for oneself. While his friend’s rebuke may likely also stem from goodwill, it definitely is not accompanied by the same level of personal love.
In a similar vein, a wife frustratedly exclaims, “My father is so lazy!” The very next day, her husband will make the same declaration about her father. She will get insulted. Why? Because she knows that her statement is mellowed by her inborn love for her father, while his is purely an expression of resentment, lacking her inherent devotion.
Imagine buying your first Lexus. Your wife takes it out for a spin, only to return with a gaping dent on the shiny new hood. If you react the same way you would have, had you been at fault, rest assured that you are well on your way to falling in love. It is this degree of love that we should aspire to actualize in our relationships: loving our fellow as much as ourselves. And the first step to achieving this is to focus on what unites us, not on what separates us.
Matan Torah marks the marriage of G-d with His people. It was against the backdrop of a flaming mountain and thunderous lightning that G-d singled us out as His bride. Since then, as in every marriage, we have had good times and bad times. Times when we turned to G-d, pouring out our hearts in prayer and commitment, and times where we shunned Him, indulging ourselves in our own pleasures and amusement. No matter what we do, G-d continues to love us wholly and unconditionally. G-d loves each and every single one of us as if we were His only child. Let us take a note out of G-d’s book, for to have attained this degree of love for our fellow Jews is to have mastered the art of criticism.
My thanks to Efrat Schochet for her editorial assistance.