My First Date & even Rabbis make “major” mistakes

When I was 23 years old my mother called me up and said “my dear son are you ready to date?” Until that age I had minimal contact with girls. I went to a boys-only school and I studied in Yeshiva. The only time I spoke to girls, was when I exchanged a Shabbat Shalom greeting with them in my father’s synagogue.

So I said to my mother “Well all my friends have just started dating so let me give it a shot.” My mother described the prodigy she had in mind- a kind-hearted, intelligent, attractive and generous young lady who came from an excellent family, However she was in Israel, so I’d have to leave New York to fly and meet her. Before my trip, I started calling around and doing a background check on this girl. I needed to be certain that on an intellectual level it was a fit. (Looking back now, I realize that there was very little that made sense, but hey, I was young and stupid, so I agreed.)

We went out on a couple dates and I thought it was going great. She really was an excellent girl and I found her company entertaining. After six dates, her mother called mine and asked “Nu when is the engagement party?” And so my mother called me and demanded, “Nu – it has been six dates - what are you waiting for?” I told her I really wasn’t sure yet. Although everything seemed to be going well, there was something very specific that bothered me about her. I could not make up my mind. I didn’t want to leave her hanging, so I called her up and told her that I couldn’t say no because I really liked her, but I was not quite ready to say yes either… That phone call turned out to be a big mistake.

Because when dating there are no maybes- it’s either a yes or a no. With age comes maturity, and the ability to either go ahead with the relationship or to end it right there.

When I think of my dating experience, I always wondered why G-d put me through such an ordeal. It is torturous to be indecisive. I was torn and utterly incapable of making a decision. After living in the Upper East Side for five years, the answer finally dawned on me. G-d made me go through all that so that I’d understand and empathize with others in the same position, namely, the singles of NYC.

A few months ago I decided to try my hand at matchmaking. I thought of a guy and girl who fit together, and started a texting conversation with the guy. Well, unfortunately, even rabbis make mistakes. I wrote, “I have a great match for you - a wonderful girl. I’d like you to date her. Please call me A.S.A.P.” But instead of sending the text to his phone, I texted it to my weekly Shabbat group, consisting of hundreds of people.

As you can probably imagine, within minutes my phone started ringing off the hook and text messages started flooding in. Here are three of the responses. A married father of three texted me, “Right now I am ok, but if anything changes, I will let you know.” Another married guy texted me, “Rabbi, this is why I love you!” And a woman married for barely a year texted me “Rabbi I just saw the text you sent my husband - is that what you think of me? My next text was a public apology explaining the mistake.

But in all seriousness, whenever I talk to singles there is one general issue. Boy dates girl. Boy likes girl. She is smart, attractive, and great company. But he cannot commit. At the back of his mind, a niggling doubt eats at him- maybe there’s someone better out there? Am I really in love? Maybe I will find a woman who will sweep me off my feet, a woman I will fall head over heels for? Maybe I should call the girl I dated two years ago and see where she is holding.

On the flip side, girls dating guys tend to think of grander issues, perhaps the economy. She thinks, maybe I should wait for the recession to end, then I’ll find a man who is managing a hedge fund and earning a million dollars a year. Or maybe this guy isn’t stable enough? Or intelligent enough? Will he be a good father? Maybe the timing is not right? Maybe I am not ready? All these maybes and what-ifs only serve to bog us down. The problem doesn’t even end in the dating arena, these concerns are carried forth into the marriage itself. Spouses often find themselves wondering if they made the right decision, because strangely enough, even after marriage commitment is a scary topic.

So how does one know that they made the right decision? The first thing that needs to be done is to pray to G-d to guide you to your other half. The next step comes with the realization that a marriage may be comprised of two separate bodies, but it involves only one soul. Practically, if you date someone, you need to first of all click on an intellectual level- i.e. the match needs to make sense. After that, if an emotional attraction develops it is time to take the leap. This is your sign that you have found the other half of your soul and now it is time to make the decision and marry.

The Torah describes Isaac’s nuptials in this week’s Torah portion of Chayei Sarah. Abraham’s servant, Eliezer, sought out Rebecca and deemed her to be the perfect wife for his master’s son as she was a woman of sterling character. It all made sense intellectually, so Isaac took a leap of faith. The Torah emphasizes that the love in their relationship blossomed after the marriage, “And Isaac brought her to the tent of Sarah his mother, and he took Rebecca, and she became his wife, and he loved her.”

Real love cannot precede commitment. When people don’t commit they are essentially conveying the message that they don’t consider their partner worth committing to. With each passing year of being together, the love becomes deeper and truer. So unless you have something specific to doubt, get married and indulge in one of life’s most rewarding journeys.