In September 2002 I spent some time in Israel, teaching Torah at a Yeshiva in Jerusalem. One night I found myself travelling back from a Tel Aviv wedding at 1:00am with four of my friends. It was late, it was dark, and we were all tired. Things were going smoothly until I noticed (or at least I thought I noticed) the car swerving. It looked like the driver had dozed off! I grabbed the steering wheel and straightened it out. He came to and grabbed the wheel back, turning it the other way. The car flipped on its side but miraculously it did not roll off the cliff at the side of the road. We all climbed out the car with nothing more than some scratches and bruises. I hurt one of my legs and ended up limping slightly for the next couple of weeks. Looking back I probably should have kept my hands to myself.
I returned to New York a few weeks later, still limping slightly. I was 23, and starting to think about settling down. A friend suggested a young woman for me to potentially date. Her parents began to inquire about me, and I later found out that someone told them, “The Vigler boy is a good guy all around, but just between you and me – he limps!” And that was the end of that. The young woman’s mother certainly didn’t want her marrying anyone handicapped, so the suggestion went no further than that.
What a perfect example of Lashon Hara, speaking badly about another – even if it’s true! In this week’s Torah portion we read about Tzaraat, a supra-natural bodily affliction commonly mistranslated at “leprosy”. According to the sages, Tzaraat was contracted from speaking Lashon Hara. Speaking negatively about someone can hurt quicker, and more powerfully, than almost anything else. Words are like arrows, explains the Midrash, because a man speaking Lashon Hara in one place can hurt someone many miles away.
Someone came to see me a few weeks ago. Clearly distraught he cried in my office for almost three hours. Someone had started a rumor about him that he had stolen something and the backlash affected every aspect of his life. The rumor – completely unfounded as it was – had prevented him from landing a job he desperately wanted. This kind of gossip is called “Motzie Shem Ra” – defamation.
I’m often asked, “If I’m asked about somebody as a potential marriage prospect, and I know he or she has a serious problem, what should I say?”
My father in law, Rabbi Shmuel Lew, who has over 50 years experience in this field told me he was once in this position. He knew that if the woman and her family heard about the young man’s medical condition, they would immediately stop considering him. So he first spoke highly of the boy’s virtue, painted a picture of a truly exceptional young man, and only then did he mention the medical condition, how it was being treated, and how it would or would not affect the young woman. Today the couple is happily married.
We have to be ever so careful with our words. They are one of the most dangerous weapons in existence and every Joe, Lisa and Harry is armed. It’s dangerous! If you have nothing other than gossip to talk about, try opening up a book about the weekly Torah portion instead.
And when it comes to dating, the good news is that G-d is involved, and He likes things to work out. He often organizes it so that when the right person comes along, they will not hear a particular piece of gossip which may have made them re-think. And that is exactly what happened with me. My wife started asking around about me in November of 2002, and G-d orchestrated it that she should only find out the good things. We got married in February of 2003, and will - G-d willing - be celebrating our 10-year anniversary next year.
Elliot Gordon wrote...