I recently met with a lovely young couple, Max and Susan.* Not long ago Max marked his 30th birthday, and his wife worked extremely hard planning a celebration. She arranged for a private limousine ride with sushi and wine, after which they ate together at an upscale restaurant. To top the night off she had booked tickets to a romantic movie.
Shortly thereafter, Susan herself celebrated her 30th birthday. Max planned a big bash. He invited all their friends, rented out a restaurant, and bought a giant custom cake. Everyone wished her well and brought her presents, and Susan herself stood and said a few words, thanking everyone for coming.
It sounds like they made each other extremely happy, but, while they both appreciated the effort the other had put in, they actually did not fully enjoy their respective celebrations. It turns out, what Max really wanted for his 30th birthday was a surprise party with all his friends, which is what he organized for Susan. Meanwhile, Susan really wanted the intimate evening with her husband that she planned for his birthday!
In marriage, we need to love the other person the way they want to be loved, not the way you want to love them. Everyone responds differently to different gestures. Part of the work is figuring out what our spouses do and do not appreciate, and treating them accordingly.
This concept applies to the marriage between G-d and the Jewish nation too. Just this week a friend of mine came over for a calendar, and I suggested he put on tefillin in preparation for the upcoming High Holidays. He declined, explaining, “I love G-d and have my own way of serving him. I don’t need to put on tefillin.”
But that’s where he’s wrong. We need to love G-d the way He wants to be loved. And fortunately for us, we have a clear guide to exactly that – the Torah!
In turn, we ask the same of G-d. We often ask for “revealed good.” While we know that everything G-d does is good, even if it may not seem that way to us, we ask him specifically to love us the way we want to be loved; show us goodness that we can recognize as such.
More often than I can count, people tell me they are “good Jews at heart,” and I have no doubt that they are. Unfortunately, that is not enough for G-d. The trick is to serve Him the way He wants to be served. On Rosh Hashanah He wants us to hear the shofar, on Yom Kippur He wants us to fast and pray, on Sukkot he wants us to eat in a hut and shake the four kinds.
We’re so close to Rosh Hashanah. It’s time to repent and draw closer to G-d. We know exactly what He wants from us; let’s love Him the way He wants to be loved.
*Names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.