A friend I grew up with, Simon*, is married with two children; a four-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, there have been some bumps in his relationship with his wife as of late.
For Rosh Hashanah he brought his son a fantastic remote control car, which the little boy was absolutely thrilled with. His reaction – running around in circles yelping with delight!- made Simon happier than he has been in many, many months. But when he asked his daughter, Mushka, what she would like, her answer was heartbreaking. She looked her father in the eye and said, "Daddy, the greatest gift you could give me would be for you and mommy to stop fighting.”
I was thinking about this sweet, angelic little girl over Rosh Hashanah. Every time her parents argue, she feels tormented. When they raise their voices, her heart beats with fear. She internalizes the tension in the house and worries deeply that her family will be torn apart.
We are just a few days away from Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, the holiest 25 hours on the Jewish calendar. G-d’s love for us is unconditional, and akin to the love between a parent and child. If we truly regret our wrongdoings, He will surely forgive us, no matter how low we’ve fallen.
But no matter how much He loves us, there are some sins G-d cannot forgive: those between man and man. No matter how much we pray on Yom Kippur, if we haven’t first approached the people we’ve wronged, G-d cannot help us. He is like Mushka'le. Just as she desperately needs her parents to get along, G-d needs us to get along. When we fight, we cause G-d anguish and pain. Every argument that we have splinters His "heart."
So before Yom Kippur, if there’s a friend or relative we’ve wronged, we need to call, sincerely apologize for our offense, and genuinely ask forgiveness. We need to resolve to get along, and truly stick to it.
But what happens if someone refuses to forgive us? We are told that if we approach a person, on three separate occasions, feel and show sincere remorse, and truly ask for forgiveness, and they refuse all three times, then the sin we originally committed against them, now becomes their responsibility.
Jewish law also instructs us not to hold onto past hurts, but to be willing to forgive those who seek our forgiveness.
As Yom Kippur approaches, let’s resolve to forgive those who have wronged us. And even if they don’t approach us to ask for forgiveness, we can forgive them in our hearts.
*Names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals